if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
