why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
