somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i drank out of a bidet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Randomize
