The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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