I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
