I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
