He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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