Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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