I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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