I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
