You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
