This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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