getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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