So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
