I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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