Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
