I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
