Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
