Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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