I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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