So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My life is pants optional.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
