Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
