took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
