I'm going to jail i love you
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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