I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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