DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
