If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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