I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
