i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
