yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
