maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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