At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
