Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
