I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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