just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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