I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
