The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
