I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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