I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
