She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
