This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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