just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
