I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was not drunk enough for that final.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
