If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
