Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
