I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
