and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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