The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
