I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
