This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
