Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
the raccoons are back...
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